Or even mildly irritated. So watch those catchphrases.

As we move into 2021, I resolve to renew my approach to doing business, call things as they really are, and exile all my peeves into permanent residence, where they belong, in their appropriate circle of Hell, apropos Dante Alighieri.  

That’s right: we’re talking Inferno.

Flames have consequences.

Nine circles. Nine gripes. All therapy.  

In ascending order of severity.

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What’s more in need of rehabilitation? The bonepile, or supplier gateway?

Hello, I would like to get some information about your capabilities for Bonepile Rehabilitation. I have some legacy circuit cards that were previously tested on a FACTRON 750. Can you reverse engineer the schematics/gerbers from a known good board? Once you have diagnosis (sic) the problem on a failed board, can you also perform the repair? Are you cybersecurity certified for ITAR data?

This is how an unsolicited customer engagement often begins. No unusual requirements here, other than the obvious need for remedial grammar lessons.

“Yes, yes and yes.”

Good. Then you may be able to assist us. What is your process?

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Sales pitches from Chinese board shops should come with arthritis medication.

Dramatis PersonaE (in order of appearance):

1. Saleswomen from Chinese printed circuit board fabricators, all with curiously westernized first names.
2. Marketing types trying to sell me lists of attendees at nonexistent trade shows.
3. Serial killers.
4. Clowns (sometimes indistinguishable from #3). Generally speaking, disturbing.
5. SBA-approved loans. (I have one qualified offer right now from capitaldrip.com. I’m not making this up.)
6. Webinars about I-9 forms and Covid-19 mitigation and prevention.
7. Virtual trade shows (and the people lurking behind them).
8. SAM renewal.
9. Persons wanting me to sell our business.
10. Search engine optimization (SEO) companies, which often lead to:
11. Website developers from India named Mike.

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If only defects were in as short supply as logic and wisdom.

This is what happens when the pyramid inverts and falls on little old unsuspecting you. Just what you deserve for minding your own business.

“We need to audit your quality system. You’re a new vendor with contingent qualification. We can’t make it permanent without an audit.”

What do you mean we’re a new vendor? We’ve been doing business with you for 11 years.

“Doesn’t matter. New regime in place. Since you’re a great big unknown to us, who are new, consider yourself, as we do, a new vendor. Clean slate. Get used to it. Plus, you had a recent test escape, and we need to determine the root cause. Might as well do the full workup.”